Intermissions Of New Beginnings

Some time in 2013

"So who is this princess?", I sometimes ask myself.
Who is the girl seeking advice, hiding agendas?
I knew I could help her, but I didn't know why or how.

I had my own problems.

The wind wasn't blowing sanity through my curtains every morning.
I was neglected, abused...but I knew I could help her.

I guess there was more left of me, than there was of her.

Maybe it was like a Group Therapy type thing.
Maybe I could help her because I had already gotten the medal. The achievement.

I guess sometimes I hate her though. Sometimes I wish she wouldn't have came over to my side.

Maybe sometimes the organs got to stay separated.

Well...I guess I had come to understood that my meaning for the moment was to support her.
I guess I felt as though she needed me...to stay reasonable, logical, sane.

It's been a while.

A rocky, chilling and cold road. It was as if we were both hiking up and down the alps in hope of finding something we didn't know we were looking for.

Sometimes she would be silent for months at a time, freezing, feeling as though it was time to give up. But I always knew we had to keep going.
It didn't make sense otherwise.

There is too much to say about the time we spent...I cannot find a grasp to all of it.
But the question was not a rhetorical one, because the answer is to be found shortly.

Who is this princess?

Has she flown past herself, destroyed the ego?
Has she started living?

All I could have told you in the time we spent together was, that she was on a path that seemed unbeatable at times.
It seemed impossibly difficult to pass through.

The bigger picture was always there, but nobody knew what it was.
Until we realized one thing. The moral of the quest and the hardship.

But I can't tell you that now.

Then you would have it too easy.


"Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with orange hair. Her hair had gotten long over the years and she never liked it.
She felt as though it was not showing the world who she really was.
But her father, the King always told her, she would be banished if she was to disregard his wishes.
She was very angry at her father. She hated him. She wanted to be herself.
One day she received a beautiful white wig, that her maid had made for her upon request.
She looked in the mirror and felt more beautiful than ever.
She felt as thought she was finally herself.
When her father, the King, walked in the room and saw his daughters hair, he turned furious.
"Who did this to you?", he screamed.
"I did it to myself, father.", she answered.
And the maid, so frigthened, hid beneath the bed.
Yelling and screaming he ripped the maid from under the bed and told her she was to pay for what she'd done. As he turned around to grab an object to beat her with, the princess stabbed a knife in his heart and he fell to the ground and said "why have you betrayed me?", and the smiling princess answered "you raised me to be like you, father."
And she lived happily ever after, with her new hair and her loyal servant, who remained best friends until the end of time."

It took a while until she realized it was time to open herself to herself.
She was so in love. So many nights of dragging thoughts, covered in marmalade delusions, about the one she had found, the one who made her warm and cold at the same time.
All the passing, dreamy thoughts overtook her until she woke up cold and exausted from the way it had turned bitter.
Her disappointment was her salt. Ever again injuring her.

And then she woke up, close to death.
It was like if her kidneys had shut down, if her heart had stopped beating for a minute, and she decided to come back to life.

This path is the one we both want to take you on now.
Maybe you could follow us, as we go down the mountain. As we go closer to the end.
Maybe we could start becoming part of ourselves too.

I know I can help her.

Can you help yourself? 


...to be continued with the usual FUCK YOU... 

The Princess

Some time in 2008

So my friend...
... with all this shit she had learned to accept and realize, she felt overwhelmed
and exausted and she called me up and said
"Once upon a time there was a beautiful young princess with long violet hair.
She lived in a beautiful castle all by herself. Her mother was vanished. Her father died
fighting. And she had no siblings.
Her whole life she had been alone. She had always been too shy to talk to anyone.
Every day she would sit by the window and watch all the kids play ball in the yard and
she wished she could just walk down and play with them.
But she was too afraid.
So she would just walk into her room and cry for days, until she had the strength to, again,
sit by the window and wish she could be one of them.
One day she was sitting by the window and one of the boys accidentally kicked the ball into
her window. The window broke and a shard of glass stabbed the princess in the heart.
Nobody saw or heard anything.
And she was dead."

I wasn't sure what to say.
"I don't know, but it seems pointless to make yourself feel obligated to do things in order
to live a happy life. I am not sure about the direct description of happiness but I am sure
it has nothing what so ever to do with 'obligation'."
I mean, waste your life... but be okay with it. And if you are not ok with it... then don't do it.
Seems easy huh?"
My friend told me how she had been doubting her abilities to live a truthful life and how
terrified she was of getting to know the real person she was, and how these "things" helped
her forget about all the things that really matter.
"When the birds sing the same old song, and routine takes over your life, don't you already
know exactly who you are?
Don't you know who the person is that you are afraid to be?
So make a choice!"
Misery is... knowing, every morning, exactly how your day is going to end.
Misery is... knowing, exactly how much more you will hate yourself today.
You are not your water bill!
You are not  the filthy toilet in your bathroom.
Why don't you just BE!
I am not telling you to become a fucking gutterpunk.
I am not telling you to become anything...
Just don't live in silence, and tell yourself the way you live makes you happy, because that is fucking bullshit. Nobody is happy when they worry.
If you find yourself sitting in the window wishing you were one of them... ask yourself...
AM I HAPPY???
So if you want to be who you are then you need to remember who you are not!
And you are not the things you worry about...
... to be continued...

Never Better

Some time in 2008

So my friend...
... with all this shit she had learned to accept and realize, she felt overwhelmed
and exausted and she called me up and said
"Once upon a time there was a beautiful young princess with long violet hair.
She lived in a beautiful castle all by herself. Her mother was vanished. Her father died
fighting. And she had no siblings.
Her whole life she had been alone. She had always been too shy to talk to anyone.
Every day she would sit by the window and watch all the kids play ball in the yard and
she wished she could just walk down and play with them.
But she was too afraid.
So she would just walk into her room and cry for days, until she had the strength to, again,
sit by the window and wish she could be one of them.
One day she was sitting by the window and one of the boys accidentally kicked the ball into
her window. The window broke and a shard of glass stabbed the princess in the heart.
Nobody saw or heard anything.
And she was dead."

I wasn't sure what to say.
"I don't know, but it seems pointless to make yourself feel obligated to do things in order
to live a happy life. I am not sure about the direct description of happiness but I am sure
it has nothing what so ever to do with 'obligation'."
I mean, waste your life... but be okay with it. And if you are not ok with it... then don't do it.
Seems easy huh?"
My friend told me how she had been doubting her abilities to live a truthful life and how
terrified she was of getting to know the real person she was, and how these "things" helped
her forget about all the things that really matter.
"When the birds sing the same old song, and routine takes over your life, don't you already
know exactly who you are?
Don't you know who the person is that you are afraid to be?
So make a choice!"
Misery is... knowing, every morning, exactly how your day is going to end.
Misery is... knowing, exactly how much more you will hate yourself today.
You are not your water bill!
You are not  the filthy toilet in your bathroom.
Why don't you just BE!
I am not telling you to become a fucking gutterpunk.
I am not telling you to become anything...
Just don't live in silence, and tell yourself the way you live makes you happy, because that is fucking bullshit. Nobody is happy when they worry.
If you find yourself sitting in the window wishing you were one of them... ask yourself...
AM I HAPPY???
So if you want to be who you are then you need to remember who you are not!
And you are not the things you worry about...
... to be continued...

Love Bombs

Some time in 2008

So this friend of a friend of a friend... and so on... had now become acceptant of the idea of
love being the number one priority in her life.
Because that's was all she ever wanted. Fucking love!
So she called me and said:
"You know that moment when you wake up and you feel like the whole world might be gone?
You think as soon as you step foot out of your bed there will be nothing but space and you will float away for ever?"
"You know... that moment when you look at your shadow and you wonder if it wishes it could just run the way you
should be running, but your ego is too big to realize that everything is NOT the way you want it to be?"
So she lost control of her mind, because she was addicted to the way she felt in her heart.

And she wanted to make sure she wouldn't loose that feeling of freedom and beauty.
It's always about love in her world.
Everything is always about love.
Something beautiful seems lovable.
Something lovable seems beautiful.
"Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with blue hair.
She was the ruler of a great kingdom and she lived in a beautiful castle made of glass.
Day in and day out she would walk through the streets of her kingdom and make sure people were doing things
the way she thought was best. If something wasn't going her way she would scream so loud it would make glass shatter.
One day she woke up in the great bedroom of her beautiful castle made of glass and when she looked outside,
there was nothing left.k
The people had left and burned down the whole beautiful kingdom.
And she screamed. She screamed so loud it made the castle shatter into a million pieces and she was vanished
in the ruins of her own once so beautiful castle."
So this friend...
came to think that maybe things weren't supposed to be okay.
That maybe things should be difficult or they were nothing but lies.
And like when she accepted that she was living in denial,
she accepted that she didn't want to live in a fabricated castle made of glass and that the values she thought
were important had turned her into an evil dictator of her own mind.
She thought hard about how she could take down the dictator in her head and she decided that she needed to stop
letting her ego manipulate every step she takes in life.
And she was glad she took the time to think hard.
And when she explained to me the way she felt I thought:
"I mean, I am not no fucking philosopher, but I am pretty sure that it is important to remember
the values YOU give yourself. Not restrictions, but values and morals.
We know what we are taught by outsiders, and that's important to take into consideration.
But what about our own ideas?
Yea Yea, we all know ...     thou shalt not steal
and all that shit...
But what about the way you want to live?
What about the morals and values YOU believe in?
Not society or mom or dad or your husband or wife or brother or boss...
YOU!
People are easily manipulated. Even by their own egos.
And it is important to take time to think.
Or the little fascist dictator we all have in our heads is going to build himself a big beautiful castle made of
glass and throw the person we really are into a tiny cell and wait until we rot."
... to be continued...

Equilibrium

Some time in 2008:

So my friend of a friend of a friend... and so on... had now finally accepted that her life
was changing extremely fast. And she caught herself trying to find a way cope. Again!

"Once upon a time there was a very poor maid with long purple hair, that worked in the Queens'Castle.
Every morning she was to wake the princess from her beauty sleep.
And every morning the princess would get angry and scream at the poor maid and hit her in
the back with a wooden stick.
The poor maid was in so much pain every day she decicded to tie wood to herself, so the pain
wouldn't be so bad.
When ever the wood around her cracked, she would nail more wood to the cracked wood and it
started getting heavy and uncomfortable. And every day she would feel more and more pain
in her back.
One morning the maid was tired and in so much pain, as the princess moved to grab the wooden
stick, the poor maid smacked it out of her hand and started beating the princess until the
whole beautiful bedding was bloody and the princess was dead.
As the poor maid stoop up straight, afraid and confused, all the wood on her body untied itself
and all the pain was gone. And she smiled."

Denial is the most untrue word in the dictionary. Denial doesn't exist because your brain doesn't
understand what it means.

So my friend of a friend of a friend... and so on... wants nothing but love. Always love.
So damn needy for love...      "Love me, Love me, Love me."
She wants to close her eyes and forget about reality.
She wants to live in a castle, in a fairytale...
And then she talks to me...
And she realizes that love can't be true without pain. That fairytales aren't about beautiful
princesses and big castles.
But that true fairytales are about the pain and the suffering of each individual person in this
world.
So she came to the conclusion that truth is knowing you are the poor maid, and that you
can be that maid without having to accept and try to cope with
the wooden stick beating your back.
And love is truth.
At least it should be.
At least in her mind. And my mind.
If you want it to be true.
...to be continued...

Love Crazy.

Sometime in 2008

People don't understand that they can't understand exactly how you feel... and they can't
put themselves in your shoes unless they know exactly who you are... and who they are.
TALK ABOUT 'IMPOSSIBLE'!
A friend of a friend of a friend... and so on... had just gone through a terrible break up.
One of those kinds that would be great for some fucked up reality TV show.
Cheating, Lying, Violence, Tears, Heartache... all that shit.
And BOOM! It's over!
Done.
Two people... lost within themselves and each other now finally able to focus on their own
personal issues, most important... trying to find their paths.
She chose love. All she ever wanted. All she ever exspected this world to make her feel.
Loved.
Love like she had never felt before. Love that only she would know.
Love that was created by the universe to be received by her.
She wants love. She wants to be loved. The way she loves.
And she found it.
And she wants to be loved forever.

"Once upon a time there was a princess. With long pink hair.
And she wasted years and years and years on trying to create a perfect heart.
She hoped it would love her back the way she loved it. And every night after working
hours and hours, working her hands sore and bloody, she would kiss the imperfect heart
and pray for it to become real.
And then one day, when she was old and alone, the old wooden heart started beating.
And the old and exausted princess picked it up, held it in her hand, gave it one last kiss...
and started laughing...she couldn't stop laughing at her own misery
... she laughed so hard that her own heart stopped.
And she was dead."
- She wants to be loved forever. She wants to love him for ever.
No bullshit.
She refuses to die laughing at herself -

So they all told this friend of a friend of a friend that they understand. That this love she
felt was bad for her. They used words like 'obsession', 'jealousy', 'control'.
And she looked at herself in the mirror and she got angry. Really angry.
What the fuck do they know? Who the fuck asked them for their opinion?
And she looked at herself again, and she smiled.
She is glad that they don't understand. And that they think they do.
Use whatever fucked up words you know to explain how her life could be so much better without
that love she feels.
HAHAHAHA! Fuck you!
You don't know. And she knows that. She knows you just wish you could be the one receiving
the love.
But you can't. Because you are the old lady with the imperfect piece of shit of a life
in your hand. And you wish you could understand what you can do to be the one being loved.
HAHAHAHA! Fuck you!
You wish you could just have some sort of epiphany. A moment of clarity. So you wouldn't be
lonely and miserable.
You wish you could know what choices to make and what way to go. But it's not that easy.
And you know that. And it drives you crazy.

So even though, she cares about these people, that want her to think that love isn't real,
she refuses to listen.
Because she knows what she feels. And even though feelings can get confusing and frustrating...
she has no doubt...
She knows TRUE LOVE.
So...
HAHAHAHA! Fuck you!
...to be continued...